I confess (April 21,2009)

I confess I've failed...at figuring out life. It's easier if u stick to living it, we can't ever control it. It makes me nervous to write these words, I have always pleased myself at getting what I have wanted anytime I have wanted it, just 'cause I thought it was "what i needed". The least of my wishes. The most stupid thing I may have wanted to do at the moment, even if it was running away from a place instead of facing whatever i was running from. I have mentally, physically, emotionally and monetarily spoiled myself. I have forbidden myself from living. From accepting things the way they are. From really tasting the circumstances, from really enjoying the consequences, with a fake protection, a cold hearted protection.Molded myself to what I thought I had to be to fit situations, to fit cirscumstances, ...to avoid more pain. So I just kept sugar coating an old problem, coat after coat and forgot dealing with it.I confess I've hurt...by protecting myself, by neglecting others of providing me their care and protection, refrained myself from believeing in people. How did i get myself used to thinking everyone was lying?Who can even fucking remember? It was so long ago. But Gosh! I have let bad experiences get the best of me.This is a process, I guess this was just the next step, to acknowledge it. I'm not always right and I don't know what is going to happen eventually with life. I don't have a fucking clue if I'm getting what i need but while i get there, i'm going to try...I confess I've never taken the risk to try.